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Updated: December 31, 2022 @ 2:14 pm
What? We just finished Christmas dinner. Yet the prospect of making New Year’s resolutions clings to us like extra love handles we acquired with all those mashed potatoes and gravy Mom forced us to eat.
Fear not. Remember, you need only adopt the resolution system that has served me so well since 2009. Despite endless self-improvement pressures to adapt a rhubarb diet and climb Mount Everest, you can achieve your custom-designed goals using one simple method: only make resolutions you can keep.
To inspire you, I will list below my 2023 goals:
While others are misdating checks and other documents, writing “2022,” I will get the 3 right. Though payees may blink when they receive checks dated “1993.”
I will correctly recall my name. If I feel extra sharp, I will remember my spouse’s without once addressing him with a half-century-ago boyfriend’s moniker.
I will not enter the annual Combine Demolition Derby in Lind, Washington. Or anywhere else.
I will learn how to compile playlists on my “new” car’s Starship Enterprise dashboard without my grandchildren’s assistance. Well, maybe with a little help from the four-year-old. If I bribe him with more Christmas cookies, he will not tell.
I will not enter the Polar Plunge in Antarctica. An opportunity hard to resist, but then, I would not want to demoralize the penguins.
I never thought I would have to include “wear real shoes” to my mental before-I-leave-the-house list, along with “take keys, purse and phone.” But having worn fluffy slippers during my last Christmas shopping trip, I had better make this addition an official resolution.
I also will add “take husband” – especially when after-Christmas sales hit. My strong guy can carry an infinite number of bags and boxes. And when my credit card starts smoking, we can use his.
I will haunt clearance racks in a never-ending quest for clothes for my grandchildren. Though they occasionally imply that rather than wear them, they would prefer to be boiled in oil or to write in cursive.
I will not buy each of our six grandsons an $850 Star Wars Millennium Falcon Lego set for their birthdays. (You can start breathing again, Grandpa.)
I will cultivate record numbers of weeds in my garden and crabgrass in my lawn this year.
During winter 2023, I will bake lots of fattening macaroni and cheese. During summer, I will fill the freezer with ice cream cakes – which will be long gone by August.
In a related resolution, I will tell my doctor the truth about my health habits. Just not all the unnecessary details.
I will not acquire as many tattoos as LeBron James.
I will park my car in the garage so no one can access the trash bin, the freezer, or Hubby’s truck.
I will require only three lots, two dead-end streets, and a patient traffic cop to park our camper. And to settle arguments without bloodshed.
Our grumpy ol’ DVD player and grumpy ol’ me will continue to cooperate to watch the same ol’ movies in 2023.
I will listen to Hubby’s statistical analyses of every I.U., Pacers, Colts and Cubs game in 2023, though math of any kind gives me a rash.
I have made one radical aspiration for 2023: I promise to use a spreadsheet next Christmas to keep track of gifts, recipients and (ulp!) costs – even if I have to use math. And a case of Prednisone. Why would I take such drastic measures? During the Christmas shopping frenzy, I must have taken advantage of a special buy-one-get-one-free deal. When I opened the last box from Amazon Prime, I found two llamas.
They like to spit. Mostly, at Hubby.
It hurts to say this, but among our doable resolutions, perhaps we should attempt one true self-improvement goal.
Otherwise, by next New Year’s Day, we may find ourselves on a rhubarb diet, living on Mount Everest without a spouse.
Well, not totally alone.
With a herd of llamas.
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